i did it again

i broke down and did it, that thing i said i wouldn’t do. i’m sure you’ve done it, too. promised yourself you wouldn’t and then you did. it doesn’t matter what the “it” is. it doesn’t matter which manifestation of “i won’t” became “i did” because we’ve all done it. we know the ambivalence, guilt, relief, and heartache that comes with having done it. having done it again. because the “it” is always something we’ve done in the past that we’ve decided we won’t do again until we do it again.
i texted her.
i told myself i wouldn’t.
i had decided this is the year i’ll let her birthday pass and i won’t reach out because eventually i need to let her go, all the way let go.
but i couldn’t let her birthday pass without reaching out.
this week she’s all i’ve been thinking about.
i think about her every week, every day, most every hour. but this week is the socially acceptable time for me to reach out. this week the world condones a message that reads, “i’ve been thinking about you. i love you. happy birthday.” and i promised myself i wouldn’t. but i did it anyway. because even though my head has decided to let her go, my heart won’t cooperate.

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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One Response to i did it again

  1. Patt says:

    I did that several times a month ago.
    I may have a handle on it now .

    It’s hard not to say. “I love you” when you know you do.

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