categories on a marker board

this morning i imagined a wall-sized marker board and in my mind i wrote three categories across the top: things i know to be true, things i believe are true, and things i wish were true.

the first category contains a short list, because i don’t know much. i know that love matters. i know that love heals. i know that we all want (need?) to be loved, accepted, and understood. (see? even that last line item, i’m not sure if those things are wants or needs. i know that too many of us live without them.)

the next category is long. i believe i am making a positive meaningful contribution to the world. i believe that actions are a stronger indicator of love than words. i believe that successful relationships are based on common goals, values, and vision. i believe that everyone is doing the best that they can, even when it doesn’t seem like it. i believe that i am powerful and capable of change. i believe i can heal the wounds within me. i believe that i deserve more and better than what i’ve previously settled for. i believe that my weaknesses are my challenges to transform into strengths. i believe that i am usually courageous. i believe i am resilient and vulnerable and scared most of the time. i believe that i’m funny, really funny, even when other people don’t appreciate my dark twisty humor. i believe that i’m growing wiser with experience and kinder with compassion. i believe that lightening up about something feels better than gripping it. i believe that most people want to help me, if i ask. i believe i’m ready to receive more love, that i can quit trying to prove that i’m worthy of love, that i don’t  have to earn love, that i am lovable just as i am and that loving people will naturally love me. i believe the people who can’t love me are showing me their limits for love and not reflecting a lack in me that is unlovable. i believe that the people who show up in our lives bring us gifts, even when the gift is a box of darkness that teaches us through pain. i believe that enlightenment is possible in this lifetime, and that enlightenment doesn’t look, feel, sit, sound, or behave like most people perceive enlightenment to be. i believe that my purpose in this life is to create more peace and beauty in the world, to practice grace and kindness, to love myself and everyone as wholly and sweetly as i can.

i feel conflicted about the last category. i wish for things to be true that i know are false or selfish or greedy, and those wishes poke holes in my peace. i wish for things to be true that might become true, and those wishes are hopeful. i keep my wishes to myself, the false ones and the hopeful ones. i’m ashamed of wishing for people to be or do or feel differently, because i want to love and accept people for who and how they are. i’m afraid of hoping, afraid i’ll be disappointed, afraid that my desires are too great to be met. fear and shame don’t keep me from wishing. day to day i vascillate between hope and hopelessness. wishing is a dangerous game. sometimes wishes come true. sometimes what you wish for doesn’t bring you what you believed it would, what you truly wanted, what you hoped to receive. i’d rather scratch out my list of things i wish were true and spend all my days living more bravely from what i know is true. love matters. love heals.

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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