i said something i shouldn’t have. what’s worse, i said it to someone who doesn’t know me, which means i presented as a catty bitch. what’s worse, i didn’t realize i shouldn’t have said it until the next morning when my mind on auto-pilot replayed the conversation as i was waking up. what’s worse is the guilt i feel for thinking the thing i shouldn’t have said, because if i didn’t think it, i never would have said it. the real problem isn’t the thing i said or the audience who received it, the real problem is that i repeatedly think the catty bitch thoughts without doing my work to clean up my projected judgments.
i strive to love everybody, like some people, and dislike as few as possible. there are very few people i dislike. there are several people who may think i dislike them because i ignore them, but ignoring people doesn’t indicate my dislike, only disinterest. but there’s one person i see almost every time i go out, someone i don’t know well enough to dislike, someone i can’t ignore, someone who has become the symbol of what i’m afraid of, what i internally struggle against, what i wish weren’t true but is.
i’ve voiced my thoughts about this person to a couple people with whom i feel safe. i mini-ranted to one of them about this person. i honestly admitted my projections to the other one. the hook that caught me this week is that i blurted out my judgment to someone i don’t know and realized when i replayed what i said that i’m behaving like someone i don’t want to be. (read: catty bitch.)
when i’m consciously practicing compassion (which is usually), i perceive through the filter that everybody is doing the best they can, everything everyone does makes sense from their perspective, and we are all more alike than we are different. i’ve tried filtering my perception of this person through compassion and my projected judgments have trumped my compassion and my armored unwillingness to own my projections has rolled over every compassion attempt. this morning i paused, recognized the need for compassion toward myself, and began my compassion practice again. within three full breaths i felt the hurt and anger and fear that underpins the judgments i’m projecting at this other one. damn, that hurts. fuck, i’m angry. shit, i’m scared.
i’m sorry to the one i’ve projected upon. i hope she never finds out because my judgments of her are my mess and have nothing to do with her. i hope i can perceive her as she is, without my projected judgments, next time i see her. i observe other people judge me and judge others. i watch judgments harden hearts everywhere i go. other people’s jugments of me and of other people don’t affect me. but my judgments of other people hurt me, making me small, flaunting my fear, distorting my anger. i’m sorry. i’m trying my best. i’ll do it better next time. i have another opportunity to practice tonight.