things you’d figure out

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly that i take almost nothing seriously, especially not social mores about language, curse words, and labels. i’m politically inappropriate with self-mocking and other-mocking jokes about most things we’re taught to be sensitive about…and my sensitivity is externally expressed through mocking. judge me, judge me, judge me, go ahead and judge me. your judgments are your hang-ups. i’ve got other hang-ups which is why i’m mocking our judgment-based shaming socializations.

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly that i don’t take myself seriously and when i’m dangling from my own hang-up, i make fun of myself and laugh. a lot. i’m a funny gal. i’m funny because i don’t take my shit personally. yeah, i’m kinda fucked-up and i have fun within, around, and among the fuck-ups. if i didn’t, i’d kill myself. so, let’s play.

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly how deeply scarred i am from growing up hungry poor. if you didn’t grow up in a household where decisions of whether to buy groceries or pay the electric bill were a regular conflict each month, then you’ll never understand how hungry that little kid inside of me will always be which is why when you give me a disapproving look for grabbing two apples and a handful of candy from the hotel lobby as we head to our room i’ll mutter under my breath “it’s free” and i’ll comment loud enough for you to barely hear me “poor kid” and i won’t bother trying to explain if you’re still disapproving because you wouldn’t understand anyway. (if you do understand, i’m sorry that you grew up that way, too. i’m sorry you grew up hungry and that hunger continues to drive some of your behaviors. i get it. it sucks. i’m sorry.)

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly that i drink because i feel awkward, i laugh when i’m uncomfortable, i drink when i want to shift my mood, i laugh when i want to shift my mood, i drink when i want to escape myself or a situation, i laugh when i realize what i’m thinking or feeling is absurd. also, i don’t drink nearly as much or as often as you might think i do, even if i’m always drinking when you see me. i’m drinking when you see me because i’m not at home, safe, comfortable, and alone. i like being alone best. i like being sober best.

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly that i’m an empath and telepath. for real. not kidding. not mocking. i feel what you feel. i can hear your thoughts and see the images in your mind. i have to consciously block myself from feeling your feelings and hearing and seeing your thoughts…which i do…because i’ve got enough feelings of my own to feel and my thoughts never stop which means that i don’t want your thoughts crowding against my thoughts.

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly that i’m stronger than you thought but not as tough as i pretend. i’m hyper-vigilant and hyper-sensitive which protects me and makes me vulnerable.

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly that i’m a high-functioning insomniac. i spend most of my days in delirium. i’m always tired. i can not remember a time in my life when i wasn’t tired.

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly that i have an exceptionally high pain tolerance. the disadvantage of having a high pain tolerance is that i can endure intense pain for far too long.

if you spent a lot of time with me you’d figure out pretty quickly that i prefer to listen than talk. i want to know you. i want to understand you. i want to love you well. i know that you want to be heard. i know that you want to be understood. i know that you want to be loved exactly as you are. we all want that.

if i spent a lot of time with you what would i learn?

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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