confession: this morning i woke to an email from someone i became too closely intimate with too quickly and paid for my mistake with a doctor’s visit, lab tests, and a prescription. i’ve accidentally run into this person twice in the intervening two years. we were polite and i was distant. today’s email linked to an article about a subject that would have interested me two years ago but isn’t relevant now. when i think of this person i think only of the pain and fear and dread that lead to a doctor’s visit, lab tests, and prescription. i learned from that one to distrust the false first rush of what is never real love.
confession: i’ve never been a smoker but i’ve often been attracted to smokers. the smoke enhances my sensory experience if i’m already intoxicated by the smoker’s presence.
confession: my dentist gives me sunglasses to wear while working on my teeth. i close my eyes behind the sunglasses and transport to another galaxy where the dentist’s drill becomes a maintenance tool to upgrade my robot parts. robots don’t feel pain.
confession: at one of the lowest points on one of my lowest days, he synchronistically pulled into the parking lot as i was walking toward the storefront. i jumped into his car, he parked, and we strolled together through the grocery store. he listened, i talked. he didn’t advise, but his advice was silently implied. he gifted me the best beer in the world. he has always been one of my favorite people on the planet and i needed his company more on that day than ever before. i am grateful to him. i am grateful for him.
confession: i hug tightly and hold on as long as people will let me when greeting somebody i love. when that somebody is on a date and i hug that somebody in my usual way, the date misperceives my intent and affection. if you are one of the people i hug this way, please whisper in my ear when you’re on a date so that i’ll release you from the hug quicker. yeah-yeah, i know you know i’m friend-loving you, but your date will make other assumptions and i’ll feel bad for the awkwardness.
confession: i should have stepped up to him and said hello, given him a hug, and told him i’m sorry for his loss. i didn’t because of my guilt and shame about things from the past. i should have stepped over my guilt and shame and done the right thing last night. instead i added to my guilt and shame by avoiding him.
confession: i admire those with the courage to claim their desires, to attain their desires, to align their thoughts, words, actions, and energy with their desires. i strive to be someone i admire.