confession: for years i’ve been in denial that my favorite necklace has been lost. today i ripped apart my closet, my jewelry boxes, every secret compartment in every piece of luggage, every secret hiding place in my drawers, the fireproof lockbox, i looked everywhere my favorite necklace could be. for years i expected my favorite necklace to turn up somewhere and for me to remember in the moment of finding it where and why i had put the necklace in the found place the last time i wore it. but i’m not going to find it. too many years have passed without finding it. the necklace is gone. i sat on my bedroom floor with all my jewelry laid out before me and i wanted to cry but i can’t cry for jewelry. i can cry for almost any happy-sad reason but not for jewelry. i tried to figure out why that particular necklace meant the most to me of all the beautiful shiny things glittering on my floor. the lost necklace isn’t the fanciest or most expensive or boldest or sweetest of all my necklaces. but the lost necklace was a birthday gift on the first good birthday i’d ever had. that necklace is irreplaceable. that birthday will never come again. but the person who gave me the necklace is still with me. i ended up crying not because the necklace is lost but because love is present and keeps growing and grateful tears feel best.
confession: yesterday was papi’s 50th birthday. on the last night he was 49 we paused in our surprise that he has survived all of his years, survived the addictions and suicidal tendencies and self-destructive choices. he wears 50 well, stronger and kinder and wiser than any year before. for his birthday we went out for a beer and ordered half-price happy hour nachos. they were the best nachos either of us had ever eaten. i’m lucky to share the best things in life with papi. i’m lucky that i get to experience them eight years sooner since i am eight years younger. for 23 years i’ve been lucky that papi has been my guide and lookout for the gifts and challenges the years ahead will bring. yesterday while crunching on the best nachos of my life i learned that i have more things to look forward to than i can fathom. (so do you.)
confession: because we’re an ocean apart for two weeks and because he made me a video message and because i prefer reciprocity, i tried making him a video message last night. i was too tired to sound out proper words with my mouth. i was too tired for the idea of a pantomimed video message to register. at the edge of delirium my mouth emitted goofy noises when i tried making words. i sent him a couple outtakes because they were funnier than the sweetness i was trying to gush at him. our relationship is characterized by outtakes.
confession: the sweetest compliment received this week: “i was in love with you but you weren’t in love with me. if a person has to have an unrequited love, you’re the best person to be unrequited by.”