confession: if i could be anywhere in the world today, i’d be in cape cod. if i could be in cape cod with anyone in the world, i’d pick my girl best friend and her spirit brother and we’d eat oysters and run into the ocean and make up songs blasting through our off-pitch voices to the mermaids and the dolphins and the whales and then get coffee high to warm up and talk really fast saying funny shit and eventually take a nap and then snack on whatever we find in the fridge for dinner and walk in the moonshadows half the night.
confession: missing people who live far away sucks but in a manageable way. missing people who are dead sucks worse and sometimes unmanageably which is why some of us get tattoos to memorialize the dead because looking at the tattoo helps a little when missing the dead feels unmanageable.
confession: i have lots of friends with dead dads. some friends have good dead dads that they miss and some friends have bad dead dads that they don’t miss. i have a bad dad who is still alive but feels dead to me since it has been many years since i’ve had any contact with him. whenever he finally dies i don’t expect to feel differently. but i might. i might feel relieved. i might feel safer in the world. or i might grieve for the dad i never had, the dad he never was, the dad i needed that he couldn’t be.
confession: i received a text message yesterday about feeling nostalgic for a life never had, missing a life never lived. i used to feel that way until i took charge of my feelings and created the life i wanted by deciding how i was gonna feel and most days i’m living that new life and feeling the way i want to feel well enough.
confession: some days are hard, though.
confession: some people say that things (like living life) have to be hard in order for us to appreciate them. i call bullshit. i prefer choosing the gentle accelerated path to everything.
confession: today is the first day of my birthday month. i have lots of libra friends because libras understand libras and we don’t have to explain our eccentricities to each other and you might think astrology is crap which is fine because stars and planets aligning might be bogus but science is proving significant patterns (specifically related to moods, illnesses, and health) among people born in the same month. (so there…with tongue sticking out emoticon…which comes off funnier written in words than actually using the emoticon and i hope more people start writing the word version of emoticons and quit using the app that shows up on my burner phone as meaningless rectangles.)
confession: i spent last week in paris and mentally listed confessions each day that i didn’t publicly record because they were confessions that are too private to share, not because of their content but because of the feelings attached to them, the feelings that color my perceptions and slow my walking gait and minimize my hand gestures and hood my eyes and stiffen the way my feet touch the pavement. the reason that my favorite day in paris was actually in versailles (which is not paris) is that i could put my feet on the earth, i could walk for miles on grass and dirt in the gardens of versailles. something that has changed for me in the twenty years and eight trips i’ve been going to paris is that grass beneath my feet feeds me more pleasure than famous artwork in my eyes.