to the tall lean tattooed men wearing jeans and cowboy boots, that’s me walking behind you admiring your swagger and breathlessly exhaling “have mercy.”
to the leering 55-65 year olds who mistakenly believe themselves to be don juans, if i said my thoughts aloud you’d hear “i’m older than you think i am and i prefer men half your age.”
to the snowboard bunnies and skater chicks, from my hips to my heart, i crush on you.
to the young mothers traveling with young children, i’m sorry everything about parenting is harder than you thought it’d be, i’m sorry you haven’t slept in three or more years, i’m sorry i can’t do more than smile at you and the kiddos and offer to hold the baby while you take the toddler to the toilet.
to the airline check-in attendants, thank you for your courteous service. thank you for responding to my polite request with accommodating generosity.
to the wheelchair-pushing gate attendants, thank you for your patience and kindness toward those needing your service. (and by the way, i love to watch your graceful run to the next terminal as you race the person in your chair to his or her connecting flight in time.)
to the long-haired hetero dudes, i understand that your long hair brushing against your shoulders makes you feel pretty. i encourage you to groom your facial hair as often as you wash your long locks if you’d like for the rest of us to perceive you as pretty as you feel.
to the woman who was shamelessly hitting on the man she just overheard leave a lovey-dovey voicemail for his sweetheart, you are exhibiting the behavior that makes women distrust, suspect, and despise each other. stoppit.
to the twenty-something midwestern gal on the phone claiming “i don’t desperately need but would really like a mini bundt pan,” darlin’, nobody ever desperately needs a mini bundt pan. please travel to a developing country (or south texas or rural west virginia) to adjust your perspective about desperate needs. yes, i know you said you didn’t desperately need one, but your word choice indicates a lack of awareness about poverty, privilege, and need.
to my seatmates, i apologize for my coughing and sneezing.
to the friends who text me during travel days, thank you for helping me pass long layover hours with more love and pleasure.