confession: i wanted to cut my hair short. better than that, i wanted a mohawk. i wanted to run my hand over the sides of my soft shaved head and tweak the middle into spikes. instead i asked her to chop a few inches, leaving it shoulder-length which still qualifies as longish. i spent an hour in her chair, listening to the twitterings of a 24-year-old stylist prodigy who you might incorrectly dismiss as young emo trash in tall heels if you didn’t know what she can do with scissors.
confession: i’m waiting to see what life event carries me over the bridge to shaving my head. i’ve been waiting a long time. my ex-wife shaved her head a week after birthing our second child which was a week before we attended our twenty-year high school reunion. she looked great with a shaved head. her big blue eyes and sculpted cheekbones popped without the distraction of hair. we didn’t stay together long enough for me to see her hair grow long again. i want my head-shaving moment to come sooner rather than later. i want my head-shaving moment to feel empowering rather than devastating…which is why i haven’t shaved my head yet.
confession: i don’t spend time fixing my hair. i wash, towel dry, comb, and go. but my hair is the first thing i want to rid myself of when i’m dissatisfied with other aspects of myself or my life.
confession: have you ever had that moment when you said outloud to someone who loves you the thing you’d previously only admitted to your therapist…and you said it without thinking, you said it in a heated moment, you said it because it is true and you’ve been holding back saying it for months, holding back saying it because you don’t want the true thing to be true, and once you’ve said the truth outloud to this person that you love you feel equal parts relieved and terrified because now that you’ve said it you might have to do the thing you’ve been afraid to do?
confession: i’d rather shave my head than contemplate the thing i’m afraid of doing. shaving my head is my go-to distraction desire lately.
confession: if i shave my head, i might decide to join a buddhist nunnery…since i’d already have the haircut.
confession: joining a buddhist nunnery is my alternative-to-suicide plan. i’m not currently feeling suicidal (and haven’t for a while), but as someone who has spent decades with suicidal feelings and a suicide plan, it is wise for me to also have an alternative-to-suicide plan.
confession: i hope your hairstyle is something you love about your reflection today.