confessions of hunger, desire, and love

confession: when the body doesn’t get enough sleep, the body triggers increasing hunger signals seeking energy from food since the body hasn’t gotten the rest needed to recharge. since i’m perpetually sleep-deprived, i’m chronically energy-seeking hungry. because i’m also sexual-abuse-survivor textbook-classic eating disordered, i mostly ignore hunger signals. i can’t distinguish between real hunger, sleep-deprived energy-seeking hunger, and eating disordered obsessive thoughts about food hunger. in addition, growing up hungry poor sparks irrational fears about feeling hungry, being hungry, going hungry. the only time i get a break from food and hunger and eating disordered madness in my head is when i sleep, but i barely sleep. sometimes i fantasize about becoming a drug addict so that i could skip the hunger feelings, but i don’t like drugs enough to consume them more than a few times a year. if i had two healthy kidneys, i’d become a coffee addict since caffeine spikes energy and decreases hunger, but my overworking single kidney won’t work for long if i become addicted to a diuretic. i’d smoke cigarettes if my lungs would let me because nicotine spikes energy and decreases hunger, but then i’d stink and cough and choke and never be able to run and dance in ways that elicit gratitude for being alive. instead, i’m hungry all the time obsessing about food and every day i feel tired, tired, tired. it might sound like i’m complaining. i’m not. i’m typing out my life for you to read and react to, for you to compare your experience next to mine, for you to consider your choices and challenges, for you to study your relationship with food and sleep and drugs and coffee and cigarettes and your kidneys and lungs and to know that you aren’t alone if you struggle and that i celebrate your ease if you don’t.

confession: because i burn old journals sometimes i trick myself into keeping notes to myself in random notebooks that i find years later. i found an old notebook this morning that included a page written three years ago filled with desires that are currently manifested in my life. i almost always get what i ask for…but not necessarily in the packaging or timing i envisioned. i’d like to spend the rest of this year playfully investigating what i desire to manifest next. what does my heart most desire? what does your heart most desire?

confession: if i could, i’d run away today. i tried. it didn’t work. i spent four minutes pricing airline tickets knowing i have no space in my calendar to take a trip and then returned to the list of today’s tasks waiting for completion. if i could, i’d run away to tasmania to watch the seasons change through autumn into winter again. i’m not ready for summer to arrive in the northern hemisphere. i want to rewind autumn and winter. time moves more slowly in tasmania. my desire to run away is a desire to slow down time, to rewind time if i could.

confession: “just in case i die tomorrow” is the motivation i sometimes employ to do the most important things on each day’s task list. the most important things on each day’s list are the things no one else but i can do and include loving words and actions that are mine to give. please do the most important things today. please give your love.


About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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