in the background of my mind i sing “peace, love, joy” as my all-day everyday mantra. when i’m not feeling peaceful, loving, or joyful, i practice gratitude. gratitude is my fast-track to peace, love, and joy because gratitude is easy for me. i can feel grateful anywhere for anything, because when everything feels like it’s sliding at me top speed slop-shitty, i can breathe and walk and think and stretch. i can be me, my wildly strange self who loves to love people but doesn’t like to socialize or interact with people or ask for help. i can hold space for you to be you, even when you are afraid of who you might be, who you can be, who you are. some of you are scared. some of you are scared and brave. some of you are fearless. (and some of you are sociopathic, but i do my best to avoid y’all.) i’m not scared of who you are. i’m excited to discover your dimensions in every direction…and…i understand fear. i understand the fear of being completely honest with yourself about yourself because fear is coming up strong and scary for me this week. fear chases my peace away.
the packers come tomorrow to put everything i own into boxes that the movers will put on a truck the next day and i’m scared. i’m not scared of leaving my hometown where i’ve lived my whole life. i’m not afraid of moving to philadelphia (it’s the city of love, afterall). i’m afraid of never being this me again (that i’ve struggled and surrendered to become) and never having the same relationships with the people and places that are here (because i won’t be this version of me again and people, places, and relationships would change even if i didn’t leave). i’m afraid of feeling displaced. i’m afraid of placing myself outside my refuges in austin…refuges of relationships and refuges of secret hideaway spots. i’m afraid of losing my center and falling into dark places that call my name in the middle of the night (which can happen regardless of my geographical residence). i’m afraid of forgetting what i love and forgetting who loves me and forgetting why i’m lovable and forgetting why i’m leaving austin and forgetting why i can’t stay. i’m afraid i’m making a mistake in leaving, but i’m afraid staying would be a bigger mistake which is why i have to go.
i’m scared and i hate being scared. i’m also loved and grateful. i’m leaning into the strength i feel when i’m scared and act bravely. last week while feeling scared and acting bravely, i sat across from someone i love in the hospital. she told me she was at peace with living or dying, whichever comes next. then she looked at me with shiny tear-glistening love and said, “i’ve always thought of you as my child.” i responded with shiny tears that matched hers, “you’re the mother i’ve always wanted.” it’s easier to go where i need to go next knowing that everything i’ve ever needed always comes to me, even if it comes decades later.