ash spreading confessions

confession: my brother and i haven’t spent much time together in the past decade. he moved to california, broke up with the girlfriend i adored most throughout his girlfriend history, started dating and then proceeded to marry a rich north cali snob who doesn’t know she is a snob because she was raised with privileges she takes for granted and she’d be horrified and defensive if she realized her snobbery. my brother has two kids that i barely see because my mother moved to california to be a full-time grandmother and i do my best to interact with my mother as infrequently as possible. because i’ve spent little time with my brother for the last chunk of our lives, i had forgotten that my brother is funny. he’s not as dark or twisted as i am, but his humor is dark enough and twisted enough to make me laugh. he made more dark twisty jokes about our dead dad than i did this past weekend. humor helps ease some of the pain my brother and i have survived. cremated dad was heavy in his plastic recyclable container of ash. there was a weighty load of dad ash to spread all over austin. we put dad’s ashes in unusual places that dad might not have appreciated but we’ll keep laughing for the rest of our lives thinking about digging little holes on the sly and filling them with his ashes in places no one would suspect. we figure dad owed us more good times, even if they had to come after his passing.

confession: everything changes everything. the principle of everything changing everything has shaped every aspect of my world all summer.

confession: i’m not sure how much i’ve lost relative to how much i’ve gained on the balance sheet of my life since i moved to philadelphia but i know that i’m living where i want to live and missing the friends and chosen family i left.

confession: i’m still not ready or willing or desiring to make new friends in this new life i’m creating in philadelphia which strikes me as odd only because i certainly would’ve made a new friend by now if i had stayed in austin because austin is a place i perpetually made new friends. but one reason i moved to philadelphia was to be alone, to flee from everything familiar, to hike alone, read and write alone, explore alone, adventure alone, indulge my extreme loner nature, and i love my aloneness here. i’m never lonely.

confession: sometimes late at night when i can’t sleep and i’m skimming around on facebook i forget that i live in philadelphia because my facebook feed is filled with austin people and austin news and austin events and austin photos and i don’t remember i live somewhere else until i wake up the next morning to sun that shines at a different angle in the northeast than in the south and i feel far away from where i’ve spent my whole life and i feel closer to knowing what i want now, what i want most, and who i want to become.

 

 

 

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About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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