double rainbows

the 24-hour check-in notice for my flight arrived in my inbox two hours ago which means i have approximately 20 hours to complete my to do list and every action item seems immediately important but some of those actions won’t get done and none of them matter according to my present integration of nihilism, so what difference does a day make? the answer is all the difference because each day is all we’ve got until we have no more days. time is our most valuable resource because we’ll all run out of time. we all expire. we all die. but not today. or at least probably not most of us. unless we do. and that’s okay, too. because our to do list gets tossed when we kick it.

i’m not as morbid as i sound. well, that’s not true. yesterday i received a text message that read “no guests” and my first thought was “because they died on their way?” the obvious idea that the houseguests were shacking up somewhere else for the night didn’t occur to me until my third or fourth thought. i’m used to people dying. i spend a lot of time thinking about dead people i knew and people i knew who i assume are alive but might already be dead and i won’t know about their deaths while i’m alive until some point when i assume that they are dead if i live long enough to outlive most of the people i know. yeah, i’m morbid…except i argue against the literal definition of morbid as an “unhealthy preoccupation” with death, since my awareness of death pushes me onto my knees and crawling toward more life…and as long as i’m alive i want to be more alive.

i always want more. i always have. i want brighter colors of leaves falling off trees and darker nights to see more stars and more lightning that cuts the sky and more thunder that shakes the walls and more rain with sunshine that creates double rainbows. i want to dance til i’m sweaty and then dance some more until my hair is dripping wet and whipping my face. i want to sleep for long hours and languish in bed until hunger picks me up, stretching into the kitchen to make french toast. i want you next to me when i want company. i want you to dare to do the things you’re afraid to do alone. i want you to meditate with me and wake up and realize that the dream you’ve been having that you can’t, won’t, don’t know how to do what you really want to do isn’t real, not the truth, just some illusion that you mistook for reality. you are more than the limitations you hang onto. this life gig is less serious and more fun than you’ve been told. it’s okay to care less about your to do list and to care more about your desire list. you’re gonna die someday, but probably not today, so make today worth being alive for.





About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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