confessions of fear, truth, and change

confession: i’ve been listening to the classic rock radio station of my youth and head banging in the car because there isn’t a decent hip-hop station in this central texas town.

confession: i’ve been eating too much chocolate because the fancy chocolate bar keeps breaking into pieces that are too big and if i break a big piece into smaller pieces the smaller pieces crumble and the crumbles don’t taste as good as bigger pieces. (not entirely a rationalization, i’ve repeated this experiment and experience four times in the past two days.)

confession: upon deeper investigation, fear motivates all of my unhealthy behaviors. fear also motivates some of my healthiest boundary-building and self-protective behaviors within relationships.

confession: i’m afraid of what happens next. personally, nationally, globally, i’m afraid of what happens next.

confession: a long time ago a therapist taught me to shift my experience of fear to excitement because the physical reactions to both emotions are almost identical: increased heart rate, accelerated breathing, butterflies in stomach/queasiness, tingling/hair raising on back of neck. i’m working on the fear to excitement transmutation today but my guts and brain aren’t buying in.

confession: my guts and brain and heart wouldn’t let me sleep much last night. less sleep equals more fear and greater likelihood to engage in unhealthy behaviors.

confession: everything is always changing. i’m not afraid of change. i’m afraid of myself and others choosing poorly for ourselves while having the best intentions and making sincere efforts that fail because we aren’t honest with ourselves or each other.

confession: i’m afraid of wasting time on people, projects, feelings that don’t resonate with my highest goals, values, and vision. every hour reminds me that time is my most limited resource.

confession: i’m afraid of doing too little to create positive change because i’m doing too much of the same old shit. the same old shit is habitual, easy, and the path of least resistance. the same old shit won’t get me closer to the new goal or vision.

confession: when invited to share our thoughts, how much truth are we allowed to express to another about himself or herself before that person resents us and the truths they don’t want to hear, admit, or acknowledge?











About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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