confession: i love buying and wrapping presents for other people’s birthdays. angel sister’s birthday is next week and this morning i brought out my collection of wrapping paper and ribbon to dress up her presents. after i wrapped everything for her, i wanted to start randomly wrapping household goods in my pantry because i longed to dive into a wrapping frenzy and lose myself in pretty paper and curly ribbon and silky bows. i internally connect wrapping presents and lingerie. lingerie is the wrapping paper and ribbon to present the gift of her body to her lover.
confession: a few weeks ago i discovered another box of forgotten lingerie because for private heartbreaking reasons i’ve only purchased and put away but not worn lingerie for the past couple years. when lingerie makes a woman cry, it’s past time to change things.
confession: first thing monday morning i called a new therapist to schedule an appointment. she offered her first available appointment on wednesday morning. instantly i decided i wasn’t available until the following week. this week i was ready to make an appointment. next week i’ll be ready to sit in her chair.
confession: the upside of seeing a new therapist is that i begin where i am now. the downside is having to detail my history with a new person once again.
confession: on sunday night i sat across from her on her couch, sharing a blanket and secrets but she didn’t know they were secrets because she’s a new friend and only knows me through my words and actions with her over the past few months. she couldn’t know what i’ve historically held close and never said. i told her secrets because she was listening. i told her secrets because i’m willing to risk vulnerability to see how close we can grow. my secrets don’t mean anything to other people; they’re not scandalous, dramatic, or harmful, but they’re mine and they occupy a different space inside me since another person knows.
confession: most of my secrets i keep secret from myself. the people closest to me know secrets about me that i can’t see due to self-protective, self-avoidant, self-inflicted blind spots.
confession: there are people i would love to love more in action if they let me. there are people who would love to love me more in action if i let them. in a venn diagram these two groups of people barely overlap, but the few who are included in the overlap are the ones offering the greatest opportunities to actualize our highest potential.