pre-therapy confessions

confession: i moved in. i bought a mini trampoline for his place which means i live here now because my eating disordered compulsive exercising self can now jump for hours any day the weather precludes me from running outside. to an objective observer, it may have looked like i’ve lived here since last summer because my clothes and shoes fill one-third of his closet and everything i could possibly need in the bathroom is contained in the cabinet and half the food in the pantry is mine, but i didn’t move my whole psyche into this space until last sunday when i bought a mini trampoline to live here with me. (although the mini tramp is still in its box on the porch…so i haven’t officially moved all the way in yet…i’m cautiously hesitating until after tomorrow’s joint therapy appointment.)

confession: two nights before our first joint therapy session i unloaded some emotional stuff i wanted to share with him but not with our therapist. i also asked what he thought he’d bring up during that mediated hour so that i wouldn’t be surprised. i hate surprises. therapy is generally a safe place free from surprise attacks, but surprising things also come out in therapy, so i want as much forewarning as possible. “attack” is too strong a word, but exaggeration is a fear-based response and i’m on high alert because we’re gambling with the healing and growth of our relationship.

confession: my pet peeves include hypocrisy and double standards. of course i’m a hypocrite with double standards. these things irritate me most especially about myself.

confession: i’ve redirected the energy i formerly exerted to repress my big feelings into an effort to softly and gently communicate those feelings. i have more success if the big feelings i’m softly and gently communicating are anything other than fear.

confession: i’m more aware of my mortality recently because death is deteriorating bodies that house souls i love. i’m good friends with death. death doesn’t scare me, but wasting the limited resource of time frightens the life out of me. i want more vitalized moments with the people who bring me more alive. i want more dancing. i want more sex. i want more skinny dipping in moonlight and beach walking at twilight and mountain hiking with morning sun streaming through trees and bouncing as steam from the ground.

confession: i sleep now. after decades of insomnia, i sleep almost every night and because i sleep, i have an activated dreamlife. my dream adventures exceed my waking adventures in every 24 hour period. i love flying underwater and in outerspace. i am a master of swim flight through every atmospheric condition and dimension. to those from my past who come visit me in nightly dreams, thank you for sharing new adventures with me.

confession: i sabotage what i claim to want by repeating old patterns. i sit back and observe myself re-enacting these behaviors instead of making new choices. i know which actions to change but i act the same. i can, i could, maybe i will or would or maybe i won’t make new choices. maybe i don’t change my behaviors because i want something other than what i claim to want. what if i embrace what is without changing my other actions? what if i practice radical self-acceptance without needing myself to be different or wanting anything else?


About angel joy

love is an action verb. i live love in action.
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