when i remember, i pray every hour of every day. when i forget, weeks pass without prayer and my life progresses pretty much the same….except with less focus, less intention, less gratitude. i don’t pray because i think it will “get” me anything. i don’t pray because i’m asking anything of an unknown supernatural being. i pray because praying returns me to my quiet center. prayer is an affirmation of the meaning i’ve chosen while integrating nihilism.
this week my prayer repeats every hour as follows…
dear gracious macdaddy multiverse,
thank you for eliminating impediments to my highest good.
thank you for giving every opportunity to actualize my best self.
thank you for each breath.
i recited this prayer a hundred extra times yesterday while emailing with my mother, canceling her trip to visit me later this month, confronting her with the taboo word (incest) that she had never acknowledged before. i concisely explained my reasons for canceling her trip. she misunderstood my perspective. i repeated for clarity. she’s determined to uphold her denial of the past and her misperceptions of me in the present. i didn’t expect anything different. her behavior has been consistent for my entire life. yesterday’s achievement was setting a boundary with her. because i’ve always been afraid of my mother’s judgment and rejection, i let her bully me into a yearly visit that pricked old wounds and stabbed new wounds each time she stayed in my home. i woke up yesterday morning knowing that i could finally tell my mother no. i moved 1,700 miles because i needed a new beginning. i’ve created a safe space here where nothing and no one has hurt me. i’ve insulated myself with my aloneness and grown stronger. a vampire can’t enter unless invited. my mother is not welcome. and now it’s time to repeat…dear gracious macdaddy multiverse, thank you…