i’m booby-trapped on the inside. there are triggers and springs and gaps and holes with camouflaged covering and nets waiting to snag me. environmental factors, calendar dates, thoughts, memories, feelings, or physical sensations can set off any of the traps at any time and i spend days cutting myself from, digging out, or untangling what’s got me wrapped. during days i’m trapped i listen to stories spin inside my mind waiting to reveal a secret or skill or map to find my way out.
yesterday i learned of a summer music festival taking place during a weekend i’ve reserved to spend with someone significant. my first thoughts were to figure logistics so that we could attend the music festival together. my next thoughts tumbled into a story that this person wouldn’t want to go, this person wouldn’t like the music, attending the festival with this person might diminish my enjoyment of the event. resentment surfaced toward this person, setting off a booby trap. these resentments spun stories i’d never thought or heard inside my mind before. the stories accompanying the resentment escalated from “i resent deferring my musical tastes to theirs when we’re together” to “i’m not my best self with that person” to “i don’t want to spend time with that person anymore.” this escalation transpired rapidly without substance to confirm truth or validity. these resentment stories unfolded without communicating with the person to inquire if this person would want to go to the festival. i hadn’t yet paused between my enthusiastic discovery of this annual festival and subsequent dip into resentment stories if i want to attend the festival this summer or if i’d rather wait and attend a different year. the resentment stories prevented me from seeking other alternative festivals with similar line-ups on more convenient dates, during a weekend that hasn’t already been held in reserve to spend with someone else. booby traps, y’all. don’t believe the stories you tell yourself. most stories are fiction, lies, habits, or old news.
alternate story of the same scenario that has taken me 24 hours to construct and replace the instant resentment story:
i’m digging the line-up for that festival. because that festival coincides with dates reserved to spend with another, i’ll ask and see if they would like to go. if it isn’t their groove, i can investigate other festivals on subsequent dates for a similar line-up this summer.
i wish the alternate story had sung out in the first round, but it didn’t. booby traps are tricky. my lesson for the week is to be on the lookout for booby trapped thoughts, feelings, and stories that prevent me from living deep into my truth and peace. odds are that you have some booby traps hiding inside some of your stories, too.