i’m a crier. i make no secret of my tears. when i try to hide them, i fail and in those doomed efforts i make ugly faces. the world has enough ugliness; i attempt to lessen ugliness by letting my tears fall without restrictions.
i cry to stream pain from the inside to the outside. i cry from the exquisite pain of beauty and grace and kindness; equally or more frequently moved to tears by the “good” stuff than the hurt-sad-scared stuff . the pain is simply the pain of being alive, and i’ve been practicing for decades to feel the pain without suffering. tears help me flow through pain, because the sweetness that inspires tears breaks my heart open and that breaking hurts, too.
i don’t mind the pain. not really. pain means i’m alive.
sure, sometimes i weary of the pain. sometimes the weariness from pain engenders a longing for a relief imagined on the other side of dying. but as long as i’m here, i might as well breathe through the pain, open my heart wider, and love more.
i woke up scared and resistant on sunday. i stepped through montreal with my brand new short haircut and tried to out-pace pain, tried to leave it in the footsteps behind me. it didn’t work. i returned to the hotel and wrote an email that acknowledged my fear. the fear hung around. i called someone who knows these fears of mine and listed them again. he listened. he reassured. he said everything was going to be okay. (because everything is always okay even when it isn’t.) i felt the same fears but less afraid of those fears after talking with him. i ignored my fears and spent an hour doing sudoku puzzles (focus the mind on a task to circumvent the irrational fear circuit) and then took a nap. after my nap i remembered my objective to live courageously, to love courageously, to love more when fear threatens to close my heart.
days later, i’m sitting with those same fears, investigating this pain, and crying all the tears that surface without suffering. it’s okay to hurt like this. it’s safe to love this much and safer to love more. here we go, y’all. it’s time to love more. (like always.)