confession: in meditation this morning, i asked my body-heart-mind for patterns ready to be released. i asked any pattern available for release to reveal itself. vengeance stepped forward.
confession: i internally flinched at vengeance’s bold claim. i’m aware of the occasional vengeful fantasy that i enjoy indulging as fantasies because i never intend to act on them. i was unaware of actual vengeance i have a pattern of undertaking.
confession: i asked vengeance to show me its pattern in my life. vengeance immediately presented a habitual withdrawal from people who have hurt me.
confession: i was quick to defend my pattern of withdrawal as self-care and pragmatic self-protection. vengeance showed me my mother. i defended again. vengeance said, “your mother can’t hurt you anymore. you’re punishing your mother for not protecting you as a child. you aren’t a child anymore. you don’t need protecting. p.s. dad is dead.”
confession: vengeance then disclosed a twenty-five-years-long list of people from whom i’ve withdrawn my physical presence and loving actions as payback for hurting me or behaving in ways counter to my needs or desires. usually i withdrew without communicating or explaining my hurt, needs, or desires.
confession: i don’t want to confess this pattern of vengeance to you because it exposes the ugly mean streak i have hidden even from myself.
confession: the only reason i’m admitting my pattern of vengeance to you is that i’m affirming my active release of vengeful withdrawing.
confession: to all those from whom i’ve withdrawn in my adult life without risking the vulnerability of explaining my hurt, wants, or needs, i’m sorry.
confession: i still don’t want to relate with my mother. maybe i don’t have to if i find a clear-hearted way to avoid her without an undercurrent of wishing to punish her by my absence. or maybe i’m rationalizing what i don’t want to do.
confession: according to traditional chinese medicine, ayurvedic medicine, and western metaphysical systems of healing, liver is the seat of anger. my liver is the source of my current ill health and physical discomfort. my liver is the origin of my mystery illness. my liver and i converse several times a day, mostly me asking my liver questions and waiting for my liver to answer. my liver has instructed me to release my pattern of vengeful withdrawing from people i love. i hear ya, liver. i trust my liver’s guidance. i’m on team liver healing myself to wholeness, oneness, and enlightenment.